Guess what...

Caregiver Depression

It is pretty common.  I'm sure I have it.  I know that I am supposed to care for myself or I will not be able to care for others.  It is just a hard thing to do.  I haven't been caring for myself at all lately and the care I have been giving my mom shows that.  Time for some sort of plan. 

I read this article on caring.com and it made too much sense and it was scary because I think I recognize all the signs.
Who? Me? Depressed? 5 sign of depression you may not expect

1.  Hermit Tendencies
Oh yeah, I recognize that one.  I have not wanted to leave my house in weeks.  I have to take my boys to games and school stuff and to grocery shop but believe me, I don't want to do it.  I would rather not.  It seems like nothing can excite me enough to want to leave the house.

2.  Flubbing the caregiving details
Uh huh.  I have forgotten to give meds, forgotten to pick up supplies, haven't been able to remember the bathroom schedule, not done the p/t... I know I can take care of this by writing everything down but that would just be too much effort.  Really it is about being tired and not having the energy to do the caregiving.  Also, I am so grumpy and I don't really feel like helping anyone.

3.  Thoughts that reflect a sense of hopelessness - about your life
Yep.  I feel like I am going to be stuck in this situation forever.  I know this is untrue but some days it feels like it.  I end up feeling sorry for myself and then I throw a pity party.  I usually follow the pity party with a guilt trip. 

4.  The "Caregiver Creep"
I stress eat.  I take comfort in sugary yumminess.  And I haven't exercised in months.  I can't even think about working out with out getting tired out.  I should go to the gym but I think I will take a nap first.  You know, rest up before the big event.  I think a simple walk would do me good.

5.  Can't remember being happy
I know that I have a good life and I have a beautiful family.  I don't totally hate all of my life.  I haven't been at peace lately though.  I haven't been able to relax.  I think the last time I was really relaxed is last December at the GWL with my boys.  I can't say that I am unhappy and hate life.  I know I can feel better though and that's what I hope to do. 

I wanna get happy!  Summer is almost here so I know that will make things a little easier.  I'm running for the happy bus, train, or whatever it is.  OK, I am only walking because the thought of running makes me want to sit down and take a rest.  Slow that train down!

My denial

I've been struggling with depression for years and I though I was doing pretty good.  I just realized I have been in denial for a month or two.  I have not felt up to doing much of anything.  I am so tired.  I barely get the basics of what I need to do done.  My house is a disaster.  My kids are behind in school work.  I am not giving my mom the best care, not even close.  And over the last week or so I feel sad.  I really do feel sad.  I want to cry but that would take too much effort.  I can't even think about working out.  The thought makes me tired.  I don't even want to leave my house.  Shower?  I don't have enough energy.  You're hungry?  Eat some PBJ.  This is really not fair, to anyone.

Ugh.  I don't want to deal with this again.  I am so sick of it.  I have been thinking of going back on meds but I'm not really sure if that is the right thing to do.  I have had some success taking antidepressants but I don't think they have ever given me the amount of help I need.  I don't want to just be numb.  I would like to experience some joy.  Also, a couple of winters ago when I was on them I would get a totally high feeling.  Yeah, it felt good at the time but I don't think it is good to swing that high and then end up super low within a day or two.

This winter I started a natural program that actually did help me.  Why did I quit it?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  I cannot understand how I can just not take some supplements.  Why do I forget?  I think I get to feeling better and then I just don't continue with what I need to do.  I have to remember how crappy I will feel if don't do what I need to do.  I just have to do it.  I hate you Nike.  I really do.

Okay.  One day at a time.  I can do it. 

I think I need to cry

I just did a really big thing.  I just closed a chapter on my life.  I am unsure of how I should  feel.  Wait.  I lied.  I feel so sad.  I feel like a failure.  I just want to cry.

A few years back I discovered roller derby.  I just kind of fell into it.  Then I fell in love with it.  Problem is it didn't love me.  hehehe  I loved skating.  I loved getting in better shape.  I loved going to speed skate class and sweating and having sore muscles.  Not being able to walk down stairs or sit on the toilet because of overworked quads actually made me happy.  I was getting strong.  Yeah!

Then I broke my arm.  I fell on my face while skating and I broke my arm.  It took me forever to heal and I ended up with a frozen shoulder.  I had to go to the physical therapist and she would spend my appointment with her just pulling and yanking on my arm trying to get it to move.  FINALLY the day came when I was given the okay to skate.  Problem was I was scared.  I freaked out anytime anyone got near me.  I didn't want to fall again.  I didn't want to feel that pain again.  Guess what?  Some ran in to me and I did fall again.  I fell the exact same way and it hurt worse than it did the first time.  Funny thing is, I think that helped.

I loved skating though so I kept on doing just that.  I eventually got over my fear and started to bout.  I felt like I was getting better and I was loving it.  Then another thing happened.  I didn't physically break anything, instead I had a sort of mental break.  I had so much stress and one day I just crashed.  I couldn't stop crying and I felt so horrible.  I will always remember how great my team captain was.   I have so much respect for her and I thank her for putting up with me!  :)  So, I took a break from skating. 

Since that break things with derby have been off and on.  I just never fully returned mentally or physically.  Too much stress and other responsibilities have always gotten in the way.  And I can't forget the physical issues.  My feet probably will never be the same.  I skated with pain for too long and I think I caused permanent damage to my big boats.  When I decided to make another go last year I ended up with a strained deltoid and then a sprained MCL.  Ugh.  Now that I think about it maybe I should never wear another pair of skates again!

For the past couple of months I have been thinking about "retiring" from roller derby.  I feel foolish even saying that because I don't feel like I ever did anything worthy enough to claim I could retire from skating.  I never even completed one season.  That of course has been on my mind for months, even years.  I had set a goal for myself and I just couldn't reach it.  I feel like a failure.  I need to move on.  I will miss it though. Maybe I have already missed it enough and I will be okay making it official.  For now, I just need to cry.

My happy little place...

I started another blog to share my photography, stamping and other artwork. 

My happy little place...

I need to start working on being happy.  I know there are things that make me happy.  I have to start bringing them into my every day life.   Quit dwelling on the negative.  Come on, get happy!  Partridge Family?  Not sure.

Two Sunny Days...

in a row!  It has seemed like years since it's been here.



I have to post this song everywhere because I love it so.  It makes me happy!  Yes, I can be happy.  :)

Oh yeah, about incontinence...

Before I was distracted by dreams of Disneyland I was planning on posting some advice about dealing with incontinence.  It really is the worst thing about caregiving for me.  I read this article/advice on care.com this morning and it changed my attitude.  I'm sure the change of attitude won't last for long but right now I will take any change I can get.

What If I Can't Handle Caring for Someone With Incontinence?

Sometimes it just helps me to realize I am not the only one facing certain issues and having to deal with certain problems.  Other people have to put up with the crap too!  buaahahahaha  Pun not intended.  Or was it?  *evil grin*

I just want to go to Disneyland

Seriously.  I would love to just take my boys to Disneyland.  I daydream about it all the time.  Maybe it's the stress.  I think I just might want an escape. 

The last couple of years I have taken them to the Great Wolf Lodge in December for a little two day break.  We go in December because we get a deal through our school.  It is also so nice to be in a warm place having "summer fun" in the middle of the cold rainy season.  I've decided WA has two seasons, the cold rainy season and the not so cold rainy season.  Anyway, during our little trips I feel totally relaxed.  We all have tons of fun together.  I have not felt so great in years.  I always want to stay one more day. 

I've been planning a trip to DL for years.  These plans are mostly in my head but twice I have made reservations.  Of course those reservations have had to be canceled because something has come up and caused a severe lack of funds.  

Now I feel like I am on some mission to get to Disneyland.  I feel this need.  Maybe I just need a couple of days away but I WANT to go to Disney dammit!  I am on a pilgrimage to see a bleepity bleep mouse.  ehehehehee  I feel like Clark Griswold.

I am definitely dreaming of an escape.  A total escape from my life for a few days.  No caregiving.  Nice.  *long pause*  I had to sit and daydream about it for a bit.  Just hanging out with the kids.  No stress for any of us.  *very long pause*

Caring.com

I found a website that is dedicated to caregivers.  It is called caring.com and I love it.  There are great tips and places to connect with other caregivers.  It is a nice place for support and for information on self care.

sugar is not my friend

She looks so sweet and innocent but really she is bad news.  She is evil.  She tries to tempt me and she has succeeded over the last few days.  Just a couple of cookies to start out with.  These granola bars shouldn't be too bad, there is no corn syrup in them.  I'll take a handful of those jelly bellies.  Mmm.  Yeah.  I really should have a piece of my son's birthday cake.  And another.  And another.  Heck, I might as well have a coke today and go back on my "diet" tomorrow.  Mistake.  Big mistake.

Three am came along and I was vowing to never eat cake, candy, cookies or drink coke again.  I was so sick.  I wanted to get up for some water and crackers but I couldn't even move.  Now this morning I feel so yucky.  I feel like I have an hangover.  I don't need to feel like I have an hangover.  I haven't had a drink in over a month!

Today calls for lots of water, some veggies and protein.  Down with sugar.  Evil wench.

Oh Wow...

I am really super duper stressed.

I remember I started this blog so I could vent.  Then I just felt like I was whining so I started keeping it all inside again.  Not good.  I need to whine.  I need to vent.

I guess I could just journal but by the time I get to bed at night I am too worn out.  The last thing I want to do is sit and write all my complaints down.  That might take too much effort.  Blogging online really is much easier.  My computer is almost always on so I can just sit down and bitch for a few.  Get it out.

Let the whining begin!  And no, I don't have any cheese to go with it.  

Blogging about crap, literally

I can't believe I literally blogged about crap.  Ugh.  Oh well.  Getting my rants out seems to be helping.  I just need to get it out of my head and quit worrying about.  I need to quit holding on to anger and frustrations.  I can't let things bog me down. 

Full moon, PMS, and Incontinence do not mix

No they do not.  Not at all.  I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday afternoon.  Just a little one.  I had a good five minutes of crying along with this wanting to pull all the hair out of my head.  I can say that I had the "crazy eyes" yesterday.  Or maybe I should just say they were crazier than normal.

It all started earlier in the week.  Little things were frustrating me.  Big things were pushing me right up to the edge.  I could feel my white hairs actually growing in.  I could feel them popping out of my skull.  My shoulders were rounding, my traps were tightening, my neck was becoming as stiff and rigid as a metal post.  My hormones and the moon's gravitational pull were taking their toll on my body.  I won't even mention what they were doing to my mind.

Yesterday I woke up with the feeling that I needed the day off.  I know we all get that feeling.  We all get that feeling quite often.  I knew I needed the day off though.  I mean the entire day off from morning til night.  I did not want to do any caregiving from the moment I woke up.  It was time for a day off.  I hadn't had a day off since the beginning of December.  I wanted the day off, I needed the day off but I knew I was not going to get the day off.

So I just puttered along, dragging my feet, not wanting to do anything.  I trudged through the day.  Slow.  Annoyed.  I felt sorry for myself.  I played Farmville.  And then the smell came and I knew what was coming.  Or rather I knew what had already happened.  And this is where I lost it.

**Warning - This gets a little gross especially if you're not a caregiver or you don't have any kids!**

I think that my mom's incontinence is the worst thing to deal with.  I help her clean up every morning because I have not found an adult undergarment that can contain the amount of fluids she releases during the night.  I have refused to wake her in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.  It just seems so mean.  I might have to start getting her up an hour or two earlier to deal with this problem though.   But today number 1 was not the problem.  It was the dreaded number 2.

I don't have any nice way of putting this.  I smelled it.  Yes, I smelled sh!t.  So I knew I would have to deal with it.  We can usually catch this before it becomes a problem by keeping a bathroom schedule but every once in awhile things go off schedule.  Sometimes it's her.  Sometimes it's me.  Oh, how I dread it.  It might also not be that bad if she would just let me know she has had an accident but she doesn't.  I always find out after it is a mess.  I will not even give details.  Let's just say I have been dealing with human excrement for almost 13 years.  Some days I just can't take it.

I just couldn't take it yesterday.  I flipped and had a good five minute freak out cry.  Crying over crap.  I totally agree with not crying over spilled milk but crying over crap is totally rational to me.  Wow.  I can't believe I blogged about this.  buahahahahaa  I do feel a bit better crying and bitching about it though.  It usually takes me a day or two before I can laugh about these incidents.  Hmmm...  Maybe I will be able to laugh about it tomorrow because I still feel like crying about it today.

The weather and the birds

After being so grouchy the last couple of the days with my mom I have decided to put in a little extra effort.  I tried extra hard to be patient with her this morning.  I made her oatmeal and coffee (the usual) and sat down with her for a few minutes to "visit".

She is having a very confused day today.  She is not sure where she is or why she is here.  I've told her a dozen times where she is and that she lives with me.  She asked me, "Why do we have to live here?"  Well mom, I ask myself that question quite often.  hehehe

Our "visiting" consists of talking about the weather and the birds.  My mom could talk about the weather and the birds all day.  Actually, that is probably 90% of our conversations these days, the weather and the birds.  Is it cold out?  It looks beautiful out (even if it is gray).  Nothing is moving out there.  It looks like a picture.  Where are all those birds from?  Look at all those little birds in the tree.  There are some big birds out there!  Where do they come from?  Is there water near by?

Today I have decided to answer all the weather and bird questions with a smile on my face.  Maybe that will help me have a smile in my heart.  How cheesy is that?

Caregiving while sick...

It certainly is no picnic.  The problem with being the sole 24 hour caregiver for my mom is I cannot call in sick.  I'm sure if I was in dire need to I would be able to.  If I was rushed to an emergency appendectomy I am sure someone would come and help me out.  I know my mom would not be left starving and unable to use the bathroom.  But for just having a lowly cold it is more trouble than it is worth to call in sick.  I may be able to get a COPES worker in for 4 hours a day to help out. 

The thing is, I would only need a caregiver to help my mom with the bathroom and fix her something to eat and that would take maybe 30 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes every couple of hours.  Then I would have some stranger sitting around my house while I was being sick.  No not good.  And then I would not have any help for the next 10 hours.  So, to me, it makes no sense to even bother "calling in sick".

My mom is not a ton of work.  The problem is it is around the clock care.  I hate using the word problem.  I don't think of my mom as a problem.  Anyway, she needs help around the clock.  Thirty minutes in the morning to help her use the bathroom, clean up and fix breakfast.  Every couple of hours I need to help her with the bathroom and that is usually about 10-15 minutes.  I have to fix her lunch, do her laundry, bring her snacks and dinner.  So it is not a huge amount of time.  It would be an easy job if I could just do it all at once and would not have to worry about it the rest of the day.  It is just like being a mom I guess.  Always on call.  Always.  Even when you are sick.

Being sick and being a caregiver do not mix for me.  I turn into a major grouchy meany when I am sick and need rest.  I would even admit to being a bitch.  Yes, dear sweet me.  *Evil laugh*  I end up snapping at my mom for things that are no fault of her own.  She has a disease that is robbing her of her memory and her ability to do simple things.  I know this.  But when I am tired/sick I just can't handle it.  Then I feel guilty for being mean.  I take a break and try to be nice.  I scream inside my head until it feels like it is about to pop.  I bring my mom coffee and some yummy food to try and make up for being a grouch.  A hot drink and a goodie makes my mom happy.  Sometimes that alleviates my guilt and sometimes it does not.  Just depends on the day and how tired I am.

I have another kid

After yesterday, I think it is official, I have a fourth child.  That would be my mother.  Wow.  She was a total brat.  Yes, my dear sweet mom that everyone thinks is so funny and sweet was a brat.  Today I can laugh about it but yesterday I wanted to smack her upside the head.
I started reminding her first thing in the morning that the physical therapist would be by at 1pm to see her.  I like to remind her multiple times when she has an appointment.  Sometimes the information sticks a bit.  Other times it just doesn't matter how many times I tell her something.  I could tell her a million times and each time it is like I am telling her for the first time.  That was yesterday.
I told her the p/t would be by and she acted very annoyed and asked, "Why?"  To do your exercises and help with your stretches.  Why?  She's not my boss.  Ugh.  She is coming to help you mom so you can continue to move around and not be in pain.  Oh, okay.  Okay until I reminded her again.  Then it was the same thing all over again.
Mom, you need to get in the chair so we can go in the other room before the p/t gets here.  "Why? She's not my boss."  Mom, just get in the chair.  Shit.  "Did you say shit?  I'm telling her you said shit!"  buahahaha  I think it is hilarious now but yesterday I just wanted to scream.  Eventually she did get into the chair and we went into the livingroom.  She was a bit obnoxious with my boys but they can handle it.  "Grammy?  Who said you could call me grammy?"  Ummm, you are our grandma.  "Oh!  Hahahahaha."
The physical therapist shows up and my mom does a 180.  She's her nice, happy go lucky self, all sweet to the p/t.  She does her exercises with the p/t, cooperates and has a good time.  And guess what?  She didn't tell her I said "shit".  Thanks mom!

Happy New Year!

I know that 2011 is going to be a great year.  I can just feel it.  I have a couple of resolutions if you want to call them that.  The first is to be more social.  To actually leave my house a little more often.  To go out and have fun.  With real live people.  I want to work on friendships.  I want to give more time to those I love and to myself.

I have also given myself the year off.  I have no big giant goals this year.  I am just going to go with the flow and enjoy my life.  I am going to be the best caregiver I can be to my mom and the best mom I can be to my boys.  I always set such high goals for myself that I usually just end up stressing myself out.  Not this year though!  I am going to RELAX.