Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Blogging about crap, literally
I can't believe I literally blogged about crap. Ugh. Oh well. Getting my rants out seems to be helping. I just need to get it out of my head and quit worrying about. I need to quit holding on to anger and frustrations. I can't let things bog me down.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Full moon, PMS, and Incontinence do not mix
No they do not. Not at all. I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday afternoon. Just a little one. I had a good five minutes of crying along with this wanting to pull all the hair out of my head. I can say that I had the "crazy eyes" yesterday. Or maybe I should just say they were crazier than normal.
It all started earlier in the week. Little things were frustrating me. Big things were pushing me right up to the edge. I could feel my white hairs actually growing in. I could feel them popping out of my skull. My shoulders were rounding, my traps were tightening, my neck was becoming as stiff and rigid as a metal post. My hormones and the moon's gravitational pull were taking their toll on my body. I won't even mention what they were doing to my mind.
Yesterday I woke up with the feeling that I needed the day off. I know we all get that feeling. We all get that feeling quite often. I knew I needed the day off though. I mean the entire day off from morning til night. I did not want to do any caregiving from the moment I woke up. It was time for a day off. I hadn't had a day off since the beginning of December. I wanted the day off, I needed the day off but I knew I was not going to get the day off.
So I just puttered along, dragging my feet, not wanting to do anything. I trudged through the day. Slow. Annoyed. I felt sorry for myself. I played Farmville. And then the smell came and I knew what was coming. Or rather I knew what had already happened. And this is where I lost it.
**Warning - This gets a little gross especially if you're not a caregiver or you don't have any kids!**
I think that my mom's incontinence is the worst thing to deal with. I help her clean up every morning because I have not found an adult undergarment that can contain the amount of fluids she releases during the night. I have refused to wake her in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. It just seems so mean. I might have to start getting her up an hour or two earlier to deal with this problem though. But today number 1 was not the problem. It was the dreaded number 2.
I don't have any nice way of putting this. I smelled it. Yes, I smelled sh!t. So I knew I would have to deal with it. We can usually catch this before it becomes a problem by keeping a bathroom schedule but every once in awhile things go off schedule. Sometimes it's her. Sometimes it's me. Oh, how I dread it. It might also not be that bad if she would just let me know she has had an accident but she doesn't. I always find out after it is a mess. I will not even give details. Let's just say I have been dealing with human excrement for almost 13 years. Some days I just can't take it.
I just couldn't take it yesterday. I flipped and had a good five minute freak out cry. Crying over crap. I totally agree with not crying over spilled milk but crying over crap is totally rational to me. Wow. I can't believe I blogged about this. buahahahahaa I do feel a bit better crying and bitching about it though. It usually takes me a day or two before I can laugh about these incidents. Hmmm... Maybe I will be able to laugh about it tomorrow because I still feel like crying about it today.
It all started earlier in the week. Little things were frustrating me. Big things were pushing me right up to the edge. I could feel my white hairs actually growing in. I could feel them popping out of my skull. My shoulders were rounding, my traps were tightening, my neck was becoming as stiff and rigid as a metal post. My hormones and the moon's gravitational pull were taking their toll on my body. I won't even mention what they were doing to my mind.
Yesterday I woke up with the feeling that I needed the day off. I know we all get that feeling. We all get that feeling quite often. I knew I needed the day off though. I mean the entire day off from morning til night. I did not want to do any caregiving from the moment I woke up. It was time for a day off. I hadn't had a day off since the beginning of December. I wanted the day off, I needed the day off but I knew I was not going to get the day off.
So I just puttered along, dragging my feet, not wanting to do anything. I trudged through the day. Slow. Annoyed. I felt sorry for myself. I played Farmville. And then the smell came and I knew what was coming. Or rather I knew what had already happened. And this is where I lost it.
**Warning - This gets a little gross especially if you're not a caregiver or you don't have any kids!**
I think that my mom's incontinence is the worst thing to deal with. I help her clean up every morning because I have not found an adult undergarment that can contain the amount of fluids she releases during the night. I have refused to wake her in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. It just seems so mean. I might have to start getting her up an hour or two earlier to deal with this problem though. But today number 1 was not the problem. It was the dreaded number 2.
I don't have any nice way of putting this. I smelled it. Yes, I smelled sh!t. So I knew I would have to deal with it. We can usually catch this before it becomes a problem by keeping a bathroom schedule but every once in awhile things go off schedule. Sometimes it's her. Sometimes it's me. Oh, how I dread it. It might also not be that bad if she would just let me know she has had an accident but she doesn't. I always find out after it is a mess. I will not even give details. Let's just say I have been dealing with human excrement for almost 13 years. Some days I just can't take it.
I just couldn't take it yesterday. I flipped and had a good five minute freak out cry. Crying over crap. I totally agree with not crying over spilled milk but crying over crap is totally rational to me. Wow. I can't believe I blogged about this. buahahahahaa I do feel a bit better crying and bitching about it though. It usually takes me a day or two before I can laugh about these incidents. Hmmm... Maybe I will be able to laugh about it tomorrow because I still feel like crying about it today.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The weather and the birds
After being so grouchy the last couple of the days with my mom I have decided to put in a little extra effort. I tried extra hard to be patient with her this morning. I made her oatmeal and coffee (the usual) and sat down with her for a few minutes to "visit".
She is having a very confused day today. She is not sure where she is or why she is here. I've told her a dozen times where she is and that she lives with me. She asked me, "Why do we have to live here?" Well mom, I ask myself that question quite often. hehehe
Our "visiting" consists of talking about the weather and the birds. My mom could talk about the weather and the birds all day. Actually, that is probably 90% of our conversations these days, the weather and the birds. Is it cold out? It looks beautiful out (even if it is gray). Nothing is moving out there. It looks like a picture. Where are all those birds from? Look at all those little birds in the tree. There are some big birds out there! Where do they come from? Is there water near by?
Today I have decided to answer all the weather and bird questions with a smile on my face. Maybe that will help me have a smile in my heart. How cheesy is that?
She is having a very confused day today. She is not sure where she is or why she is here. I've told her a dozen times where she is and that she lives with me. She asked me, "Why do we have to live here?" Well mom, I ask myself that question quite often. hehehe
Our "visiting" consists of talking about the weather and the birds. My mom could talk about the weather and the birds all day. Actually, that is probably 90% of our conversations these days, the weather and the birds. Is it cold out? It looks beautiful out (even if it is gray). Nothing is moving out there. It looks like a picture. Where are all those birds from? Look at all those little birds in the tree. There are some big birds out there! Where do they come from? Is there water near by?
Today I have decided to answer all the weather and bird questions with a smile on my face. Maybe that will help me have a smile in my heart. How cheesy is that?
Friday, February 11, 2011
Caregiving while sick...
It certainly is no picnic. The problem with being the sole 24 hour caregiver for my mom is I cannot call in sick. I'm sure if I was in dire need to I would be able to. If I was rushed to an emergency appendectomy I am sure someone would come and help me out. I know my mom would not be left starving and unable to use the bathroom. But for just having a lowly cold it is more trouble than it is worth to call in sick. I may be able to get a COPES worker in for 4 hours a day to help out.
The thing is, I would only need a caregiver to help my mom with the bathroom and fix her something to eat and that would take maybe 30 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes every couple of hours. Then I would have some stranger sitting around my house while I was being sick. No not good. And then I would not have any help for the next 10 hours. So, to me, it makes no sense to even bother "calling in sick".
My mom is not a ton of work. The problem is it is around the clock care. I hate using the word problem. I don't think of my mom as a problem. Anyway, she needs help around the clock. Thirty minutes in the morning to help her use the bathroom, clean up and fix breakfast. Every couple of hours I need to help her with the bathroom and that is usually about 10-15 minutes. I have to fix her lunch, do her laundry, bring her snacks and dinner. So it is not a huge amount of time. It would be an easy job if I could just do it all at once and would not have to worry about it the rest of the day. It is just like being a mom I guess. Always on call. Always. Even when you are sick.
Being sick and being a caregiver do not mix for me. I turn into a major grouchy meany when I am sick and need rest. I would even admit to being a bitch. Yes, dear sweet me. *Evil laugh* I end up snapping at my mom for things that are no fault of her own. She has a disease that is robbing her of her memory and her ability to do simple things. I know this. But when I am tired/sick I just can't handle it. Then I feel guilty for being mean. I take a break and try to be nice. I scream inside my head until it feels like it is about to pop. I bring my mom coffee and some yummy food to try and make up for being a grouch. A hot drink and a goodie makes my mom happy. Sometimes that alleviates my guilt and sometimes it does not. Just depends on the day and how tired I am.
The thing is, I would only need a caregiver to help my mom with the bathroom and fix her something to eat and that would take maybe 30 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes every couple of hours. Then I would have some stranger sitting around my house while I was being sick. No not good. And then I would not have any help for the next 10 hours. So, to me, it makes no sense to even bother "calling in sick".
My mom is not a ton of work. The problem is it is around the clock care. I hate using the word problem. I don't think of my mom as a problem. Anyway, she needs help around the clock. Thirty minutes in the morning to help her use the bathroom, clean up and fix breakfast. Every couple of hours I need to help her with the bathroom and that is usually about 10-15 minutes. I have to fix her lunch, do her laundry, bring her snacks and dinner. So it is not a huge amount of time. It would be an easy job if I could just do it all at once and would not have to worry about it the rest of the day. It is just like being a mom I guess. Always on call. Always. Even when you are sick.
Being sick and being a caregiver do not mix for me. I turn into a major grouchy meany when I am sick and need rest. I would even admit to being a bitch. Yes, dear sweet me. *Evil laugh* I end up snapping at my mom for things that are no fault of her own. She has a disease that is robbing her of her memory and her ability to do simple things. I know this. But when I am tired/sick I just can't handle it. Then I feel guilty for being mean. I take a break and try to be nice. I scream inside my head until it feels like it is about to pop. I bring my mom coffee and some yummy food to try and make up for being a grouch. A hot drink and a goodie makes my mom happy. Sometimes that alleviates my guilt and sometimes it does not. Just depends on the day and how tired I am.
Friday, February 4, 2011
I have another kid
After yesterday, I think it is official, I have a fourth child. That would be my mother. Wow. She was a total brat. Yes, my dear sweet mom that everyone thinks is so funny and sweet was a brat. Today I can laugh about it but yesterday I wanted to smack her upside the head.
I started reminding her first thing in the morning that the physical therapist would be by at 1pm to see her. I like to remind her multiple times when she has an appointment. Sometimes the information sticks a bit. Other times it just doesn't matter how many times I tell her something. I could tell her a million times and each time it is like I am telling her for the first time. That was yesterday.
I told her the p/t would be by and she acted very annoyed and asked, "Why?" To do your exercises and help with your stretches. Why? She's not my boss. Ugh. She is coming to help you mom so you can continue to move around and not be in pain. Oh, okay. Okay until I reminded her again. Then it was the same thing all over again.
Mom, you need to get in the chair so we can go in the other room before the p/t gets here. "Why? She's not my boss." Mom, just get in the chair. Shit. "Did you say shit? I'm telling her you said shit!" buahahaha I think it is hilarious now but yesterday I just wanted to scream. Eventually she did get into the chair and we went into the livingroom. She was a bit obnoxious with my boys but they can handle it. "Grammy? Who said you could call me grammy?" Ummm, you are our grandma. "Oh! Hahahahaha."
The physical therapist shows up and my mom does a 180. She's her nice, happy go lucky self, all sweet to the p/t. She does her exercises with the p/t, cooperates and has a good time. And guess what? She didn't tell her I said "shit". Thanks mom!
I started reminding her first thing in the morning that the physical therapist would be by at 1pm to see her. I like to remind her multiple times when she has an appointment. Sometimes the information sticks a bit. Other times it just doesn't matter how many times I tell her something. I could tell her a million times and each time it is like I am telling her for the first time. That was yesterday.
I told her the p/t would be by and she acted very annoyed and asked, "Why?" To do your exercises and help with your stretches. Why? She's not my boss. Ugh. She is coming to help you mom so you can continue to move around and not be in pain. Oh, okay. Okay until I reminded her again. Then it was the same thing all over again.
Mom, you need to get in the chair so we can go in the other room before the p/t gets here. "Why? She's not my boss." Mom, just get in the chair. Shit. "Did you say shit? I'm telling her you said shit!" buahahaha I think it is hilarious now but yesterday I just wanted to scream. Eventually she did get into the chair and we went into the livingroom. She was a bit obnoxious with my boys but they can handle it. "Grammy? Who said you could call me grammy?" Ummm, you are our grandma. "Oh! Hahahahaha."
The physical therapist shows up and my mom does a 180. She's her nice, happy go lucky self, all sweet to the p/t. She does her exercises with the p/t, cooperates and has a good time. And guess what? She didn't tell her I said "shit". Thanks mom!
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