It is pretty common. I'm sure I have it. I know that I am supposed to care for myself or I will not be able to care for others. It is just a hard thing to do. I haven't been caring for myself at all lately and the care I have been giving my mom shows that. Time for some sort of plan.
I read this article on caring.com and it made too much sense and it was scary because I think I recognize all the signs.
Who? Me? Depressed? 5 sign of depression you may not expect
1. Hermit Tendencies
Oh yeah, I recognize that one. I have not wanted to leave my house in weeks. I have to take my boys to games and school stuff and to grocery shop but believe me, I don't want to do it. I would rather not. It seems like nothing can excite me enough to want to leave the house.
2. Flubbing the caregiving details
Uh huh. I have forgotten to give meds, forgotten to pick up supplies, haven't been able to remember the bathroom schedule, not done the p/t... I know I can take care of this by writing everything down but that would just be too much effort. Really it is about being tired and not having the energy to do the caregiving. Also, I am so grumpy and I don't really feel like helping anyone.
3. Thoughts that reflect a sense of hopelessness - about your life
Yep. I feel like I am going to be stuck in this situation forever. I know this is untrue but some days it feels like it. I end up feeling sorry for myself and then I throw a pity party. I usually follow the pity party with a guilt trip.
4. The "Caregiver Creep"
I stress eat. I take comfort in sugary yumminess. And I haven't exercised in months. I can't even think about working out with out getting tired out. I should go to the gym but I think I will take a nap first. You know, rest up before the big event. I think a simple walk would do me good.
5. Can't remember being happy
I know that I have a good life and I have a beautiful family. I don't totally hate all of my life. I haven't been at peace lately though. I haven't been able to relax. I think the last time I was really relaxed is last December at the GWL with my boys. I can't say that I am unhappy and hate life. I know I can feel better though and that's what I hope to do.
I wanna get happy! Summer is almost here so I know that will make things a little easier. I'm running for the happy bus, train, or whatever it is. OK, I am only walking because the thought of running makes me want to sit down and take a rest. Slow that train down!
Showing posts with label caregiving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label caregiving. Show all posts
Friday, June 17, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Full moon, PMS, and Incontinence do not mix
No they do not. Not at all. I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday afternoon. Just a little one. I had a good five minutes of crying along with this wanting to pull all the hair out of my head. I can say that I had the "crazy eyes" yesterday. Or maybe I should just say they were crazier than normal.
It all started earlier in the week. Little things were frustrating me. Big things were pushing me right up to the edge. I could feel my white hairs actually growing in. I could feel them popping out of my skull. My shoulders were rounding, my traps were tightening, my neck was becoming as stiff and rigid as a metal post. My hormones and the moon's gravitational pull were taking their toll on my body. I won't even mention what they were doing to my mind.
Yesterday I woke up with the feeling that I needed the day off. I know we all get that feeling. We all get that feeling quite often. I knew I needed the day off though. I mean the entire day off from morning til night. I did not want to do any caregiving from the moment I woke up. It was time for a day off. I hadn't had a day off since the beginning of December. I wanted the day off, I needed the day off but I knew I was not going to get the day off.
So I just puttered along, dragging my feet, not wanting to do anything. I trudged through the day. Slow. Annoyed. I felt sorry for myself. I played Farmville. And then the smell came and I knew what was coming. Or rather I knew what had already happened. And this is where I lost it.
**Warning - This gets a little gross especially if you're not a caregiver or you don't have any kids!**
I think that my mom's incontinence is the worst thing to deal with. I help her clean up every morning because I have not found an adult undergarment that can contain the amount of fluids she releases during the night. I have refused to wake her in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. It just seems so mean. I might have to start getting her up an hour or two earlier to deal with this problem though. But today number 1 was not the problem. It was the dreaded number 2.
I don't have any nice way of putting this. I smelled it. Yes, I smelled sh!t. So I knew I would have to deal with it. We can usually catch this before it becomes a problem by keeping a bathroom schedule but every once in awhile things go off schedule. Sometimes it's her. Sometimes it's me. Oh, how I dread it. It might also not be that bad if she would just let me know she has had an accident but she doesn't. I always find out after it is a mess. I will not even give details. Let's just say I have been dealing with human excrement for almost 13 years. Some days I just can't take it.
I just couldn't take it yesterday. I flipped and had a good five minute freak out cry. Crying over crap. I totally agree with not crying over spilled milk but crying over crap is totally rational to me. Wow. I can't believe I blogged about this. buahahahahaa I do feel a bit better crying and bitching about it though. It usually takes me a day or two before I can laugh about these incidents. Hmmm... Maybe I will be able to laugh about it tomorrow because I still feel like crying about it today.
It all started earlier in the week. Little things were frustrating me. Big things were pushing me right up to the edge. I could feel my white hairs actually growing in. I could feel them popping out of my skull. My shoulders were rounding, my traps were tightening, my neck was becoming as stiff and rigid as a metal post. My hormones and the moon's gravitational pull were taking their toll on my body. I won't even mention what they were doing to my mind.
Yesterday I woke up with the feeling that I needed the day off. I know we all get that feeling. We all get that feeling quite often. I knew I needed the day off though. I mean the entire day off from morning til night. I did not want to do any caregiving from the moment I woke up. It was time for a day off. I hadn't had a day off since the beginning of December. I wanted the day off, I needed the day off but I knew I was not going to get the day off.
So I just puttered along, dragging my feet, not wanting to do anything. I trudged through the day. Slow. Annoyed. I felt sorry for myself. I played Farmville. And then the smell came and I knew what was coming. Or rather I knew what had already happened. And this is where I lost it.
**Warning - This gets a little gross especially if you're not a caregiver or you don't have any kids!**
I think that my mom's incontinence is the worst thing to deal with. I help her clean up every morning because I have not found an adult undergarment that can contain the amount of fluids she releases during the night. I have refused to wake her in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. It just seems so mean. I might have to start getting her up an hour or two earlier to deal with this problem though. But today number 1 was not the problem. It was the dreaded number 2.
I don't have any nice way of putting this. I smelled it. Yes, I smelled sh!t. So I knew I would have to deal with it. We can usually catch this before it becomes a problem by keeping a bathroom schedule but every once in awhile things go off schedule. Sometimes it's her. Sometimes it's me. Oh, how I dread it. It might also not be that bad if she would just let me know she has had an accident but she doesn't. I always find out after it is a mess. I will not even give details. Let's just say I have been dealing with human excrement for almost 13 years. Some days I just can't take it.
I just couldn't take it yesterday. I flipped and had a good five minute freak out cry. Crying over crap. I totally agree with not crying over spilled milk but crying over crap is totally rational to me. Wow. I can't believe I blogged about this. buahahahahaa I do feel a bit better crying and bitching about it though. It usually takes me a day or two before I can laugh about these incidents. Hmmm... Maybe I will be able to laugh about it tomorrow because I still feel like crying about it today.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Caregiving while sick...
It certainly is no picnic. The problem with being the sole 24 hour caregiver for my mom is I cannot call in sick. I'm sure if I was in dire need to I would be able to. If I was rushed to an emergency appendectomy I am sure someone would come and help me out. I know my mom would not be left starving and unable to use the bathroom. But for just having a lowly cold it is more trouble than it is worth to call in sick. I may be able to get a COPES worker in for 4 hours a day to help out.
The thing is, I would only need a caregiver to help my mom with the bathroom and fix her something to eat and that would take maybe 30 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes every couple of hours. Then I would have some stranger sitting around my house while I was being sick. No not good. And then I would not have any help for the next 10 hours. So, to me, it makes no sense to even bother "calling in sick".
My mom is not a ton of work. The problem is it is around the clock care. I hate using the word problem. I don't think of my mom as a problem. Anyway, she needs help around the clock. Thirty minutes in the morning to help her use the bathroom, clean up and fix breakfast. Every couple of hours I need to help her with the bathroom and that is usually about 10-15 minutes. I have to fix her lunch, do her laundry, bring her snacks and dinner. So it is not a huge amount of time. It would be an easy job if I could just do it all at once and would not have to worry about it the rest of the day. It is just like being a mom I guess. Always on call. Always. Even when you are sick.
Being sick and being a caregiver do not mix for me. I turn into a major grouchy meany when I am sick and need rest. I would even admit to being a bitch. Yes, dear sweet me. *Evil laugh* I end up snapping at my mom for things that are no fault of her own. She has a disease that is robbing her of her memory and her ability to do simple things. I know this. But when I am tired/sick I just can't handle it. Then I feel guilty for being mean. I take a break and try to be nice. I scream inside my head until it feels like it is about to pop. I bring my mom coffee and some yummy food to try and make up for being a grouch. A hot drink and a goodie makes my mom happy. Sometimes that alleviates my guilt and sometimes it does not. Just depends on the day and how tired I am.
The thing is, I would only need a caregiver to help my mom with the bathroom and fix her something to eat and that would take maybe 30 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes every couple of hours. Then I would have some stranger sitting around my house while I was being sick. No not good. And then I would not have any help for the next 10 hours. So, to me, it makes no sense to even bother "calling in sick".
My mom is not a ton of work. The problem is it is around the clock care. I hate using the word problem. I don't think of my mom as a problem. Anyway, she needs help around the clock. Thirty minutes in the morning to help her use the bathroom, clean up and fix breakfast. Every couple of hours I need to help her with the bathroom and that is usually about 10-15 minutes. I have to fix her lunch, do her laundry, bring her snacks and dinner. So it is not a huge amount of time. It would be an easy job if I could just do it all at once and would not have to worry about it the rest of the day. It is just like being a mom I guess. Always on call. Always. Even when you are sick.
Being sick and being a caregiver do not mix for me. I turn into a major grouchy meany when I am sick and need rest. I would even admit to being a bitch. Yes, dear sweet me. *Evil laugh* I end up snapping at my mom for things that are no fault of her own. She has a disease that is robbing her of her memory and her ability to do simple things. I know this. But when I am tired/sick I just can't handle it. Then I feel guilty for being mean. I take a break and try to be nice. I scream inside my head until it feels like it is about to pop. I bring my mom coffee and some yummy food to try and make up for being a grouch. A hot drink and a goodie makes my mom happy. Sometimes that alleviates my guilt and sometimes it does not. Just depends on the day and how tired I am.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
No longer The Boss
I am now "The Girl." My mom forgot who I was the other day. When it happened it didn't really bother me. I guess it just took a few days to hit me. She has forgotten who I was before but it has been quite a long time since that has happened.
She was talking on the phone with her social worker and I heard her say, "the girl takes good care of me." It actually made me smile. She may not remember my name or that I am her daughter but at least she thinks I take good care of her.
I did say I was sick of being "The Boss" so I'm not too upset about losing that title. I think I can handle "The Girl." The girl that takes good care of her mom. I'll go for that.
By the way, she woke up the next morning and called out, "Lisa, can I have some coffee?" Another smile.
She was talking on the phone with her social worker and I heard her say, "the girl takes good care of me." It actually made me smile. She may not remember my name or that I am her daughter but at least she thinks I take good care of her.
I did say I was sick of being "The Boss" so I'm not too upset about losing that title. I think I can handle "The Girl." The girl that takes good care of her mom. I'll go for that.
By the way, she woke up the next morning and called out, "Lisa, can I have some coffee?" Another smile.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Tired of being the Boss
Yes, I said it. I am tired of being the boss. I am tired of telling my mom what to do. I am tired of having to tell her every little thing she needs to do. I am tired of telling her every little thing she needs to do three or four times before she does it. I know it is the Alzheimer's. I know it is no fault of her own. It just gets very tiresome.
I feel like I am becoming the crabby old teacher. Do this. Do that. No, do it this way not that way. Argh. I keep thinking, just breathe and relax. It is okay. It will be okay. Every once in awhile I catch myself thinking that it will get better. Problem is, it will not get better. I know that it will not get better.
So I begin each day with a fresh start and a new attitude. Some days the new attitude lasts longer than other days. Some days it doesn't even last until coffee time. So I try for a laugh. Any little laugh will make both of us feel better.
I feel like I am becoming the crabby old teacher. Do this. Do that. No, do it this way not that way. Argh. I keep thinking, just breathe and relax. It is okay. It will be okay. Every once in awhile I catch myself thinking that it will get better. Problem is, it will not get better. I know that it will not get better.
So I begin each day with a fresh start and a new attitude. Some days the new attitude lasts longer than other days. Some days it doesn't even last until coffee time. So I try for a laugh. Any little laugh will make both of us feel better.
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