My denial

I've been struggling with depression for years and I though I was doing pretty good.  I just realized I have been in denial for a month or two.  I have not felt up to doing much of anything.  I am so tired.  I barely get the basics of what I need to do done.  My house is a disaster.  My kids are behind in school work.  I am not giving my mom the best care, not even close.  And over the last week or so I feel sad.  I really do feel sad.  I want to cry but that would take too much effort.  I can't even think about working out.  The thought makes me tired.  I don't even want to leave my house.  Shower?  I don't have enough energy.  You're hungry?  Eat some PBJ.  This is really not fair, to anyone.

Ugh.  I don't want to deal with this again.  I am so sick of it.  I have been thinking of going back on meds but I'm not really sure if that is the right thing to do.  I have had some success taking antidepressants but I don't think they have ever given me the amount of help I need.  I don't want to just be numb.  I would like to experience some joy.  Also, a couple of winters ago when I was on them I would get a totally high feeling.  Yeah, it felt good at the time but I don't think it is good to swing that high and then end up super low within a day or two.

This winter I started a natural program that actually did help me.  Why did I quit it?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  I cannot understand how I can just not take some supplements.  Why do I forget?  I think I get to feeling better and then I just don't continue with what I need to do.  I have to remember how crappy I will feel if don't do what I need to do.  I just have to do it.  I hate you Nike.  I really do.

Okay.  One day at a time.  I can do it.