Guess what...

Caregiver Depression

It is pretty common.  I'm sure I have it.  I know that I am supposed to care for myself or I will not be able to care for others.  It is just a hard thing to do.  I haven't been caring for myself at all lately and the care I have been giving my mom shows that.  Time for some sort of plan. 

I read this article on caring.com and it made too much sense and it was scary because I think I recognize all the signs.
Who? Me? Depressed? 5 sign of depression you may not expect

1.  Hermit Tendencies
Oh yeah, I recognize that one.  I have not wanted to leave my house in weeks.  I have to take my boys to games and school stuff and to grocery shop but believe me, I don't want to do it.  I would rather not.  It seems like nothing can excite me enough to want to leave the house.

2.  Flubbing the caregiving details
Uh huh.  I have forgotten to give meds, forgotten to pick up supplies, haven't been able to remember the bathroom schedule, not done the p/t... I know I can take care of this by writing everything down but that would just be too much effort.  Really it is about being tired and not having the energy to do the caregiving.  Also, I am so grumpy and I don't really feel like helping anyone.

3.  Thoughts that reflect a sense of hopelessness - about your life
Yep.  I feel like I am going to be stuck in this situation forever.  I know this is untrue but some days it feels like it.  I end up feeling sorry for myself and then I throw a pity party.  I usually follow the pity party with a guilt trip. 

4.  The "Caregiver Creep"
I stress eat.  I take comfort in sugary yumminess.  And I haven't exercised in months.  I can't even think about working out with out getting tired out.  I should go to the gym but I think I will take a nap first.  You know, rest up before the big event.  I think a simple walk would do me good.

5.  Can't remember being happy
I know that I have a good life and I have a beautiful family.  I don't totally hate all of my life.  I haven't been at peace lately though.  I haven't been able to relax.  I think the last time I was really relaxed is last December at the GWL with my boys.  I can't say that I am unhappy and hate life.  I know I can feel better though and that's what I hope to do. 

I wanna get happy!  Summer is almost here so I know that will make things a little easier.  I'm running for the happy bus, train, or whatever it is.  OK, I am only walking because the thought of running makes me want to sit down and take a rest.  Slow that train down!

My denial

I've been struggling with depression for years and I though I was doing pretty good.  I just realized I have been in denial for a month or two.  I have not felt up to doing much of anything.  I am so tired.  I barely get the basics of what I need to do done.  My house is a disaster.  My kids are behind in school work.  I am not giving my mom the best care, not even close.  And over the last week or so I feel sad.  I really do feel sad.  I want to cry but that would take too much effort.  I can't even think about working out.  The thought makes me tired.  I don't even want to leave my house.  Shower?  I don't have enough energy.  You're hungry?  Eat some PBJ.  This is really not fair, to anyone.

Ugh.  I don't want to deal with this again.  I am so sick of it.  I have been thinking of going back on meds but I'm not really sure if that is the right thing to do.  I have had some success taking antidepressants but I don't think they have ever given me the amount of help I need.  I don't want to just be numb.  I would like to experience some joy.  Also, a couple of winters ago when I was on them I would get a totally high feeling.  Yeah, it felt good at the time but I don't think it is good to swing that high and then end up super low within a day or two.

This winter I started a natural program that actually did help me.  Why did I quit it?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  I cannot understand how I can just not take some supplements.  Why do I forget?  I think I get to feeling better and then I just don't continue with what I need to do.  I have to remember how crappy I will feel if don't do what I need to do.  I just have to do it.  I hate you Nike.  I really do.

Okay.  One day at a time.  I can do it. 

I think I need to cry

I just did a really big thing.  I just closed a chapter on my life.  I am unsure of how I should  feel.  Wait.  I lied.  I feel so sad.  I feel like a failure.  I just want to cry.

A few years back I discovered roller derby.  I just kind of fell into it.  Then I fell in love with it.  Problem is it didn't love me.  hehehe  I loved skating.  I loved getting in better shape.  I loved going to speed skate class and sweating and having sore muscles.  Not being able to walk down stairs or sit on the toilet because of overworked quads actually made me happy.  I was getting strong.  Yeah!

Then I broke my arm.  I fell on my face while skating and I broke my arm.  It took me forever to heal and I ended up with a frozen shoulder.  I had to go to the physical therapist and she would spend my appointment with her just pulling and yanking on my arm trying to get it to move.  FINALLY the day came when I was given the okay to skate.  Problem was I was scared.  I freaked out anytime anyone got near me.  I didn't want to fall again.  I didn't want to feel that pain again.  Guess what?  Some ran in to me and I did fall again.  I fell the exact same way and it hurt worse than it did the first time.  Funny thing is, I think that helped.

I loved skating though so I kept on doing just that.  I eventually got over my fear and started to bout.  I felt like I was getting better and I was loving it.  Then another thing happened.  I didn't physically break anything, instead I had a sort of mental break.  I had so much stress and one day I just crashed.  I couldn't stop crying and I felt so horrible.  I will always remember how great my team captain was.   I have so much respect for her and I thank her for putting up with me!  :)  So, I took a break from skating. 

Since that break things with derby have been off and on.  I just never fully returned mentally or physically.  Too much stress and other responsibilities have always gotten in the way.  And I can't forget the physical issues.  My feet probably will never be the same.  I skated with pain for too long and I think I caused permanent damage to my big boats.  When I decided to make another go last year I ended up with a strained deltoid and then a sprained MCL.  Ugh.  Now that I think about it maybe I should never wear another pair of skates again!

For the past couple of months I have been thinking about "retiring" from roller derby.  I feel foolish even saying that because I don't feel like I ever did anything worthy enough to claim I could retire from skating.  I never even completed one season.  That of course has been on my mind for months, even years.  I had set a goal for myself and I just couldn't reach it.  I feel like a failure.  I need to move on.  I will miss it though. Maybe I have already missed it enough and I will be okay making it official.  For now, I just need to cry.

My happy little place...

I started another blog to share my photography, stamping and other artwork. 

My happy little place...

I need to start working on being happy.  I know there are things that make me happy.  I have to start bringing them into my every day life.   Quit dwelling on the negative.  Come on, get happy!  Partridge Family?  Not sure.

Two Sunny Days...

in a row!  It has seemed like years since it's been here.



I have to post this song everywhere because I love it so.  It makes me happy!  Yes, I can be happy.  :)

Oh yeah, about incontinence...

Before I was distracted by dreams of Disneyland I was planning on posting some advice about dealing with incontinence.  It really is the worst thing about caregiving for me.  I read this article/advice on care.com this morning and it changed my attitude.  I'm sure the change of attitude won't last for long but right now I will take any change I can get.

What If I Can't Handle Caring for Someone With Incontinence?

Sometimes it just helps me to realize I am not the only one facing certain issues and having to deal with certain problems.  Other people have to put up with the crap too!  buaahahahaha  Pun not intended.  Or was it?  *evil grin*