I'm sad

Little things have been making me sad lately. Little things about my mom. There are no major happenings with her Alzheimer's but many small things. Those things add up. Combine that with the gray weather we have been having, not taking celexa anymore and the stress of a super busy schedule and I have found myself slipping into a bit of depression.

I am trying to look for the silver lining and I am not finding it. I know it's there. Maybe I am not trying very hard to look for it. I'm just telling myself I am. Now that I think about it, I just may be too tired to find it. So I see all these little things that make me sad.

My mom is always cold. She is cold when her room is 75 degrees. She always wears a sweater and has a blanket over her lap. Lately I have went into her room and she is sitting there bundled in her sweater rocking back and forth and complaining of being cold. Her blanket is sitting right next to her. Sometimes it is just lying there and sometimes she has folded it up. She has lost the ability to cover herself up. Actually she can cover herself up but I have to remind her to do it. She doesn't know that when she is cold she can use the blanket sitting right next to her to make herself warm. This makes me sad. This makes me sad for her.

There are other things that make me sad for myself. Self pity. I loathe it. I have plenty of it lately though. My mom is incontinent and if I don't catch her in time I have messes to clean up. I feel bad for her but I feel worse for myself. I've gone through three kids and I've known the joy of the day when there were no more diapers and the sheets were dry in the morning. What a joyous day! That is one day when I didn't feel any sort of sadness when I realized my kids were growing up. Now I have my mom going the opposite direction and it is horrible. It gives me more work and I do not have time for more work.

Silver lining? I don't think I can find one. I just hope the sun comes out soon.