I think I need to cry

I just did a really big thing.  I just closed a chapter on my life.  I am unsure of how I should  feel.  Wait.  I lied.  I feel so sad.  I feel like a failure.  I just want to cry.

A few years back I discovered roller derby.  I just kind of fell into it.  Then I fell in love with it.  Problem is it didn't love me.  hehehe  I loved skating.  I loved getting in better shape.  I loved going to speed skate class and sweating and having sore muscles.  Not being able to walk down stairs or sit on the toilet because of overworked quads actually made me happy.  I was getting strong.  Yeah!

Then I broke my arm.  I fell on my face while skating and I broke my arm.  It took me forever to heal and I ended up with a frozen shoulder.  I had to go to the physical therapist and she would spend my appointment with her just pulling and yanking on my arm trying to get it to move.  FINALLY the day came when I was given the okay to skate.  Problem was I was scared.  I freaked out anytime anyone got near me.  I didn't want to fall again.  I didn't want to feel that pain again.  Guess what?  Some ran in to me and I did fall again.  I fell the exact same way and it hurt worse than it did the first time.  Funny thing is, I think that helped.

I loved skating though so I kept on doing just that.  I eventually got over my fear and started to bout.  I felt like I was getting better and I was loving it.  Then another thing happened.  I didn't physically break anything, instead I had a sort of mental break.  I had so much stress and one day I just crashed.  I couldn't stop crying and I felt so horrible.  I will always remember how great my team captain was.   I have so much respect for her and I thank her for putting up with me!  :)  So, I took a break from skating. 

Since that break things with derby have been off and on.  I just never fully returned mentally or physically.  Too much stress and other responsibilities have always gotten in the way.  And I can't forget the physical issues.  My feet probably will never be the same.  I skated with pain for too long and I think I caused permanent damage to my big boats.  When I decided to make another go last year I ended up with a strained deltoid and then a sprained MCL.  Ugh.  Now that I think about it maybe I should never wear another pair of skates again!

For the past couple of months I have been thinking about "retiring" from roller derby.  I feel foolish even saying that because I don't feel like I ever did anything worthy enough to claim I could retire from skating.  I never even completed one season.  That of course has been on my mind for months, even years.  I had set a goal for myself and I just couldn't reach it.  I feel like a failure.  I need to move on.  I will miss it though. Maybe I have already missed it enough and I will be okay making it official.  For now, I just need to cry.