The photo does not lie...

I just saw a photo of myself while out playing with my kids at a local corn maze.  Ugh.  I look not so good.  I would say awful.  I look tired.  My hair looks old.  My wrinkles are getting deeper.  I hate to say it but I look depressed.  I hate to say this even more, I feel depressed. 

It is the beginning of the depression season for me.  Dark days.  Wet days.  Achy body days.  I don't feel like I was ever completely out of the depression this year though.  Usually I feel much better during the late Spring, Summer and early Autumn but this year I feel like I never felt that great.  Heck, I would take feeling good right about now.

So anyway, back to the awful picture.  I know that I was look a little rough but I had no idea.  I look in the mirror as little as I have to.  I know I have gained weight but seeing it in the photo really hit me hard.  There are also the things I cannot see in the mirror, the extreme headaches, the achy joints and the anger that I can actually feel oozing from every pore.

I know what I have to do.  I have to lessen the stress, take care of business, get back to some sort of exercise and start eating better.  Will I do this?  I do have a tiny bit of hope.  I bought a book about beating depression.  I would love to beat depression.  Beat it with a baseball bat.

Today is a Soup Day

It's cold and wet out and a perfect day for soup. I love soup. Love, love, love it!

This is a pic of some easy soup I made a couple of months ago. Yes, I loved it. That is why I took a picture of it.

It was so simple to make. I used kale for the first time and also a bit of fennel. I started off sauteing some garlic, onions and fennel in a little olive oil. I then added a couple of handfuls of chopped up kale. I cooked this for a few minutes before adding a couple of cans of white beans and a can (or maybe two) of diced tomatoes, some water and a chicken cube. I simmered this for a bit until everything was hot and the kale was cooked.

My entire family liked it so I think it's a keeper. Of course I don't know how much of what I put in the pot but that's the fun part, making it up as you go along.

Also, I don't even want to think about canned tomatoes being bad for me. I guess I could chop up fresh. Or maybe can my own? Gasp. That would be too much work.

daring and graceful

It is amazing how someone can see you in a totally different way than you see yourself. And then how their thoughts, observations and words can have such a great affect on you. This has happened to me twice in recent months and it has given me such a wonderful outlook on certain aspects of my life. It has breathed a bit of new life into me. Two words have caused me great joy and made me see myself a bit differently. Two words.

Graceful. I have never been called graceful. One of my teammates told me I was graceful on my skates. Now I have never thought of myself as being graceful. And I would have never in a million years thought of myself as graceful on my skates. I don't think I am clumsy or awkward but I would have never used the word graceful to describe myself. Graceful just seems so smooth and beautiful. I think of a figure skater gliding over the floor with ease. When I try to glide it is not with ease and it is with a head full of nervousness and negative talk. No more. I am now graceful. I am agile, coordinated and relaxed. I glide across the floor with ease.

Daring. A coworker told me she thought I was daring. It was actually the first word on a long list of wonderful, strong words she used to describe me. It surprised me. I have always wanted to be daring. I have always wanted to do daring things. I don't think I've accomplished that yet. I have tried daring activities. I have stopped before I was successful. This has made me feel more scared than daring. I know I should give myself some credit for even attempting to be daring. I guess I am daring in the attempt. I just drag myself down and don't let myself do all I can do. I have a great fear of failure. This fear seems to keep me from putting forth a great effort. I put forth a little effort but not all I am capable of. No more. I am daring. I will take that challenge and I will give it all I have. I am courageous, adventurous and unafraid. I will do.

No longer The Boss

I am now "The Girl." My mom forgot who I was the other day. When it happened it didn't really bother me. I guess it just took a few days to hit me. She has forgotten who I was before but it has been quite a long time since that has happened.

She was talking on the phone with her social worker and I heard her say, "the girl takes good care of me." It actually made me smile. She may not remember my name or that I am her daughter but at least she thinks I take good care of her.

I did say I was sick of being "The Boss" so I'm not too upset about losing that title. I think I can handle "The Girl." The girl that takes good care of her mom. I'll go for that.

By the way, she woke up the next morning and called out, "Lisa, can I have some coffee?" Another smile.

Tired of being the Boss

Yes, I said it. I am tired of being the boss. I am tired of telling my mom what to do. I am tired of having to tell her every little thing she needs to do. I am tired of telling her every little thing she needs to do three or four times before she does it. I know it is the Alzheimer's. I know it is no fault of her own. It just gets very tiresome.

I feel like I am becoming the crabby old teacher. Do this. Do that. No, do it this way not that way. Argh. I keep thinking, just breathe and relax. It is okay. It will be okay. Every once in awhile I catch myself thinking that it will get better. Problem is, it will not get better. I know that it will not get better.

So I begin each day with a fresh start and a new attitude. Some days the new attitude lasts longer than other days. Some days it doesn't even last until coffee time. So I try for a laugh. Any little laugh will make both of us feel better.

I'm sad

Little things have been making me sad lately. Little things about my mom. There are no major happenings with her Alzheimer's but many small things. Those things add up. Combine that with the gray weather we have been having, not taking celexa anymore and the stress of a super busy schedule and I have found myself slipping into a bit of depression.

I am trying to look for the silver lining and I am not finding it. I know it's there. Maybe I am not trying very hard to look for it. I'm just telling myself I am. Now that I think about it, I just may be too tired to find it. So I see all these little things that make me sad.

My mom is always cold. She is cold when her room is 75 degrees. She always wears a sweater and has a blanket over her lap. Lately I have went into her room and she is sitting there bundled in her sweater rocking back and forth and complaining of being cold. Her blanket is sitting right next to her. Sometimes it is just lying there and sometimes she has folded it up. She has lost the ability to cover herself up. Actually she can cover herself up but I have to remind her to do it. She doesn't know that when she is cold she can use the blanket sitting right next to her to make herself warm. This makes me sad. This makes me sad for her.

There are other things that make me sad for myself. Self pity. I loathe it. I have plenty of it lately though. My mom is incontinent and if I don't catch her in time I have messes to clean up. I feel bad for her but I feel worse for myself. I've gone through three kids and I've known the joy of the day when there were no more diapers and the sheets were dry in the morning. What a joyous day! That is one day when I didn't feel any sort of sadness when I realized my kids were growing up. Now I have my mom going the opposite direction and it is horrible. It gives me more work and I do not have time for more work.

Silver lining? I don't think I can find one. I just hope the sun comes out soon.

Blogging? Eeek!

OK. I am starting a blog. Why? Is my life just so exciting that people have been begging me to share it with them? No. Do I want the world reading all of my deep dark feelings? No. Do I just want some attention? Hmm...maybe. I never thought of that. ;)

Here is the real story though. Last week I went to a fabulous retreat of sorts called ArtFest. Or is that Art Fest? Anyway, I decided to keep a journal of my time away. I found that writing before bed made me feel better. It was nice to get all of my worries out on paper. I didn't dwell on them so much while I tried to fall asleep when they were captured in that little book. It really did help me.

So why blog then? I am planning on keeping my journal to help me get my troubles out of my head. To help me move on in life. To help me live my life more fully. I need to get out of my head. All this thinking is holding me back. I should say that it is all the worry that is holding me back.

I do not plan to journal on my blog. I do plan to share some things that may help others. I am a caregiver for my mom who has Alzheimer's Disease. It is very draining. I know that others are having the same experiences as I am. I would like to share what I go through so others know they are not all alone. I really believe that Misery Loves Company! I'm joking. Kind of.

I also want a place to share my photography and other art work. And I need a place to tell my freaky kid stories.

So, that's it. The excitement of Lisa's life right here for you to enjoy. So enjoy the fact that you are not me. And I will try to enjoy the fact that I am.